There have been a few things over the years i am not proud of ... and i want to say sorry to my neighbors for having to witness it

We lived in Peru and as is the custom of most desert dwellers on the
first few weeks of cool weather we leave our windows open. This would be
ok except for the fact that our bedrooms widows are close to each other
and I had read about the diet where you eat nothing but cauliflower and
broccoli for a week. I must say that as an avid fart enthusiast I was a
little frightened, and awe struck, that I could make the walls of my
house shake.

I apologize that I forgot to was off the green paint before I walked
outside to get the paper. I was at a Star Trek party the night before
dressed as a Klingon. What is even more regrettable is that my
forgetfulness extended to my wearing of pants.

I apologize, whole heartedly, that you woke up one day to find a human sized poop on your porch. I say this without admitting any guilt but I am sorry all the same.

I saw that you tapped in to my Wi-Fi. You must have somehow cracked the code. I was so disappointed! My actions were not too mature and I wish to say that I am sorry for piggy-backing into your computer and using your email address to subscribe to the online magazine called “Fat Hairy men of the Ukraine”.

I was unaware that running a server in my house while making popcorn and turning my AC on high in the middle of summer would overload the power grid in our neighborhood and cause a blackout. Now I know and if Saturday morning cartoons have taught us anything knowing is half of the battle!

I don't really have any clear thoughts until an hour after I awake. I just kind of stumble through my morning routine which includes some stretching exercises. It was a late night before and to this day I have no idea why my blinds were open and I was naked as Jane Fonda's “Let get Physical” blared from my house but I am sorry all the same.